Some People Just Don't Get It
By Kuroneko-sama, AKA Miyako Inoue, Queen of Cheese, AKA She Who Glompeth Zazie
(EDITORS WARNING: Contains spoilers for ep.22)
One fine, sunny day, Vash was walking down the street of some random town, looking for a donut shop. Unfortunately, he wasn't having much luck.
"I need food... hunger... taking... over... GAAH!!!" He was startled out of his melodramatic state when he saw the small black cat with huge green eyes that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere.
Vash sighed. "It's just the cat..." Why does this cat follow me everywhere? he thought. Maybe it's some kind of superintelligent being sent here from another world to kill us all... Maybe it's my brother!
"Nope," said the cat.
Vash shrieked. "What the fuzzy?! Di- did you just say something?"
The cat was silent.
The cat didn't say anything.
"Hello? Kitty cat? SAY SOMETHING!"
By this time, he was getting strange looks from passing townsfolk.
Hmm. I guess it was just my imagination...
"Nope," said the cat.
Vash freaked out, looked around quickly, grabbed the cat, and ran into the nearest alley.
The cat stared at him blankly.
"Um... you are a cat, right?
The cat was silent.
"Kitty... are you trying to freak me out, or is this some kind of cry for help?"
"Nope," said the cat.
"Make me," said the cat.
"Why?" said the cat.
"You're scaring me."
"Oh," said the cat.
There was a long and uncomfortable silence.
"Can you put me down now?" said the cat.
"Oh. Uh, yeah."
Vash set the cat on the ground.
"Now," said the cat. "We move on to more pressing matters."
"Yeah," said Vash. "Why are you stalking me?"
"I have my reasons," said the cat mysteriously.
"Yeah, but what are they?"
The cat thought about this for a moment. "If I told you, I'd have to kill you."
Vash decided to drop the subject. "So... you know earlier?"
"Earlier. Adverb. One, in or during the first part, as of a period of time or series of events. Two, before the usual or appointed time."
Now Vash was worried. This isn't a normal cat...
"Yeah," said the cat. "And just how long did it take you to figure that out?"
Ooooooookay... The cat can read my thoughts. That's strange...
"Can you stop that now?" said the cat. "Everyone reading this knows that I have special psychic powers. Duh."
"Huh? Everyone? Reading? Wha...?"
The cat sighed, exasperated. "Really, some of you people are just so clueless."
Vash started to get teary-eyed. "You're really confusing me!!!"
"Yes, that's just so sad... but my time here is short. Well, actually, it's not."
"Stop patronizing me!"
"I'm not! I'm just nodding!"
"Well don't. Anyway, I'm not really a cat."
"I JUST SAID THAT! What are you, some kind of moron? This is what is called a fanfic."
Vash looked around. "What, this alley? I don't see anything special about it."
"NOT THE ALLEY!!! The story!"
"The one you're in."
Vash paused. "Okay, you lost me."
The cat closed it's eyes and inhaled deeply. "Five... four... three... two... one..." It slowly opened it's eyes. "I grow tired of this. I should have gone to your brother..."
Vash got his I'm-A-Dangerous-Guy-On-A-Mission look. "You know my brother?"
"I know everything," said the cat.
Vash resumed his stupidity right where he left off. "Okay..."
"You seriously get too much credit," said the cat. "Look, all I want is to give you your orders."
"YES! My GOD, you just don't listen, do you?!"
"Good! Now shut up and listen! This is a fanfic."
"I still don't have any idea what a fanfic is."
"It's a story written by a fan of a series of some sort."
"So what does that have to do with me?"
"You're the main character. It's only natural that you'd be in this story."
Vash looked like he was about to cry again. "What am I the main character of? What show? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!"
He was now in full-fledged water main break on Elm Street mode.
The cat sighed and looked about ready to kill someone, or at least maim them horribly. "Please stop it."
Vash stopped, but sniffled a little bit still.
"Look," said the cat, "I have orders from the supreme being-"
"You mean God?" Vash interjected.
"No," said the cat, who was getting very frustrated. "I mean the author."
"Author of what?"
"Of this fanfic."
"So if it's supposed to be about a certain series," said the gunman thoughtfully, "then what is someone doing writing about me?"
"You're the main character," said the cat simply.
"Of the series."
"Of what series?"
"The one that this story's about."
"The one you're in."
The cat sighed yet again. "You're being very difficult, you know."
"STOP PATRONIZING ME!!!"
"I SAID STOP IT!!!"
"That's better," said the cat. "Now, to explain. You, Vash the Stampede, are the main character of a not-so-popular anime television series known as Trigun."
Vash stared at the cat blankly. "You lost me again."
The cat sighed, gritting it's teeth. "Today is a good day for someone else to die..."
"YOU'RE PATRONIZING ME AGAIN!!!"
"I said I'm sorry!"
"Fine." Vash crossed his arms. "I still don't see what this has to do with me."
"Look, the author wanted me to tell you-"
"The one who's writing this story."
Vash pondered this for a moment. "This person must have no life, if they're writing about me."
The cat nodded. "Yeah, I'd back up that statement."
"And they must be in need of mental help."
"Hey now, I wouldn't say that! Do you know what she could DO to us?!"
"Think of the worst torture possible."
Vash suddenly got this mental image of an empty shelf in the donut shop.
"See?" said the cat. "And she could do worse, too."
"Like... like what?" asked Vash, almost afraid to know.
The cat's eyes darted around. "Well," it whispered, "just between you and me, she could give you any sort of horrible plague imaginable or unimaginable..."
Suddenly, a deep godlike voice echoed in Vash's head.
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your nether regions...
Vash looked freaked. "She... she wouldn't do that, would she?"
"I'm not entirely sure, but she is known to have a rather twisted sense of humor."
"She can do... anything?"
"Pretty much. Wanna know something really freaky?"
"She's making you do all this."
Vash was getting scared. This is just too weird... This "Author" person sounds pretty evil...
"Yep," said the cat. "She is."
"How can you hear my thoughts?"
"Oh, I know everything. The author channels her omnipotence into me..."
"Is omnipotence a real word?"
"No," said the cat mysteriously.
"How can you say 'no' mysteriously?" asked Vash.
"I can if the author wills it..."
"Okay," said Vash, "this is getting too weird for me, so I'm just gonna leave now..."
The gunman stood up and began to walk out of the alley, but was stopped in his tracks by a mysterious force. He then walked back to his original position and sat down in the same place.
The cat grinned.
"Why did you bring me here?" asked Vash.
"Because the author wants to torture you..."
"Because she wants revenge..."
"Your friend killed her teddy bear..."
"What teddy bear?!"
"BUT THAT WASN'T ME! I DIDN'T DO THAT!!! IT WAS WOLFWOOD, NOT ME!!!"
"Yes, but she likes Wolfwood more than she likes you..."
"What kind of freak is she?!"
"The worst kind of freak imaginable. A teenage girl obsessed with anime."
"What's anime?" asked Vash, his voice shaking.
"It's what you're in."
Vash began to cry again. "PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"
"I can't do that..."
"Then just STOP SCARING ME!!!"
"Do you want to know the freakiest thing of all?"
"NO! I DON'T! I JUST WANT YOU TO GO AWAY!!!"
The cat grinned. "Everything you see around you... all the homes, all the people, everything... it's not real."
"Then what is it?" asked Vash, crouching down into a little ball.
"It's all made of..."
Vash was terrified. Beads of sweat ran down his forehead, and he was shaking uncontrollably.
"...paper... and... PAINT."
Vash shot up in bed, drenched in sweat. He looked around.
"It's... it was... it was just a dream... a dream... that's it..." He started cackling maniacally.
He stopped abruptly when he heard a voice from the foot of the bed.
"You can't escape your fate..."
Two huge green eyes opened to look at him.
Vash shot up in bed... again.
"A dream in a dream... weird..."
He saw two green eyes a foot from his face. "Beware of the author..."
Vash shot up in bed. For the third time.
"IT REALLY WAS A DREAM!!! HEAR THAT, YOU FREAKY CAT?!?!"
"Give it up already," said the voice coming from the direction of the huge green eyes.
He shot up in bed yet again.
"What is it with this 'author' freak? WHY DOES SHE DELIGHT IN TORTURING ME?!?!?!?!"
And suddenly, he saw two green eyes.
"She's bored now. Saturday Night Live's on. She's gonna go watch mindless television for an hour or two."
And then the world ended.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Oregon...
A girl with wavy brown hair cackled, and petted her black cat.
"So," said the cat, "shall we go?"
"Yes, we shall."
(Translation: The End.)