The Secret Lives of the Gung-Ho Guns
Part One- Zazie
By Miyako Inoue, Queen of Cheese, Sole Holder of the Right to Glomp Zazie, and
Supreme Ruler of All Things That Say Myaa.. no da.
*****
It was a day. Just a day. No one really knew if it was summer or winter or what, because things like that tended to stay the same in the wonderful world of Trigun.
But anyway, the suns were shining, the sky was blue, and the air smelled like warm root beer. And the tigers and the leopards played their ukuleles all day long, and anyone on the street would gladly shave your back for a nickel.
And Zazie, cute, sweet, little inocent adorable guy that he is, was turning 10. And being cute. It's just what he does. Don't question the higher powers, guys.
But anyway, no one had wished him a happy birthday. POOR BABY!!! HE'S SOOOOOOO CUTE!!! HOW COULD THEY BE SO MEAN?!?! WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Ahem... anywho...
Zazie the Beast was walking down the street, in his CUTE little cowboy outfit, being cute, while I tried to control my urge to hug him and yell at the top of my lungs in a high-pitched girlish voice, “ZAZIE ZAZIE ZAZIE ZAZIE ZAZIE ZAZIE ZAZIE ZAZIE ZAZIE!!!”
Did I mention that Zazie is cute?
I think I did.
Hopefully soon I can get on with the story.
Zazies cute, ya know.
So cuuuuuuuuuuuute...
C-U-T-E!!! That s how you spell ZAZIE!!!
Have you hugged your Zazie today?
Thought not.
Because theres only ONE Zazie!!! And he s MINE!!! ALL MINE, YOU HEAR ME! AND YOU CAN T HAVE HIM!!!
So MAKE 7UP YOURS!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *cough hack choke gag sputter wheeze faint die*
Anyway...
Zazie was depressed. And cute. Mostly cute, with a little depressed on the side, extra pickles, hold the onions, and can you make the potatoes a salad? I’ll have that to go.
All the rest of the Gung-Ho Guns had shoved him out the door this manyana.
-Flashback-
“You need to... uh... GO now, Zazie,” said Legato.
“Why?” asked the cute confused little boy.
Midvalley and E.G. Mine grabbed him by the arms and hauled him out the front door.
“Because,” said Knives. “We need like 50 dozen things of Bisquick-“
“And a purple three-eyed cat with green polka dots!” interjected our friendly neighborhood Hornfreak.
Then they slammed the door in his face. And Zazie heard the lock lock. Because that’ s what locks do. They lock. And Zazie heard it do just that.
-End Flashback-
Well, to make a short story even shorter, Zazie didn’t get any Bisquick. Or a cat.
But he had a dollar. So he got a party hat (which he looked oh-so-very-cute in as it was blue) and one of those little twirly thingies on a stick.
He stood at the front door of the house. Zazie half-smiled. Yeah, the big one-oh.
He walked inside. None of the lights were on. “Huh?,” he said. “That s strange.” He flicked on the switch.
“ ZAZIE!!!” All the Gung-Ho Guns popped out from behind the couch.
“ YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!” Zazie clutched his chest and fell to the ground.
Everyone gathered around him, eyes wide with amazement.
“Is he okay?” asked Dominique.
“Do you think we killed him?” asked Rai-dei.
There was silence.
Then Midvalley shouted, “Lets poke him with sticks!!!”
-10 minutes later...-
Poke. Poke. POKE!
Zazie’s eyes snapped open as E.G. jabbed him in the side.
“ Oww...”
Legato jumped... well, actually, skipped... okay, PRANCED around the room. “Yay! Z-chan’s conscious again!”
Legato came back over to where (cute, sweet, little) Zazie lay. “We forgot to tell you something,” he said.
Zazie blinked dazedly. “Huh? What?”
Everyone took a deep breath.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZAZIE!!!” His face lit up (KAWAII!). “You remembered!”
“Of course we did!” said Knives. “We even bought you a gift to commemorate the occasion.” “Really?” asked Zazie. “You didn’t have to.”
“Get ready, Midvalley,” Legato said.
Midvalley walked over to the wall, where there just happened to be two levers. Everyone backed away from Zazie.
“Pull the lever!” yelled Legato.
Midvalley grinned, and pulled the left lever.
With a very unpleasant splatting sound, a huge pink cake fell on Zazie.
Legato sighed. “Wrong lever.”
Zazie‘s head popped out of the blob that would be a cake. “Woah... chocolate…” He then proceeded to pass out.
Everyone glared at the now very embarrassed Hornfreak. He grinned sheepishly.
Knives looked at Legato quizzically. “Why do you even have that lever?”
Legato shrugged.
Myaa...
(Translation: The end.)